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I almost went to see this movie when it came out, but after I saw the reviews, it looked like I had a lucky escape, but now Borderlands is available for free on Prime, I decided to check it out, and I can say I’m eternally glad I didn’t pay to see this.

What’s the movie about? I don’t know. Normally I’d do a quick plot synopsis, but I’ve no idea what to say. There’s a group of people protecting a girl they think is really special (but isn’t), and they go on a MacGuffin hunt for one thing after another, to find a super secret treasure. That’s about it.

It’s based on a series of video games, and I think it’s meant to be like one, at least that’s the best guess I have, because literally nothing makes sense. If you want to know just how bad this is. they find a super important MacGuffin that everyone wants, that people have been searching for years, just lying in a box next to a room full of people, with no explanation.

The whole movie is this bad. Cate Blanchett is one of my favourite actresses, and I’d normally say she’s great in any role, but here she just looks and acts like she’s bored out of her mind. We know she can play this kind of smart, snarky character, but she clearly isn’t giving it her best here. Every scene she’s in is played the same, whether it’s action, humour, emotion, she has the same expression and the same energy.

She’s also used in place of a plot, giving monotonous voice-overs full of exposition, to keep the audience informed through the time honoured tradition of “tell don’t show”.

All the other characters are the same. Unlikable plywood cutouts played by actors who look like they don’t care anymore. I don’t know what the point of any of them is, and I don’t care. Jamie Lee Curtis is a complete waste here, and none of them make you care about them. Whenever they are put in danger, I wanted them to bite it, so this movie might be over sooner. As for the villains, what villains? There’s the usual corporate businessman, who wants to find the treasure to (wait for it) turn it into a weapon! The same story that’s been told hundreds of times.

At least, I think he’s supposed to be the bad guy. The film never does anything to show us he is, just some stodgy exposition to say he apparently made clones, and really, all the other characters do equally unpleasant things, so I don’t care. He’s supported by Captain Fringe, of the Fierce Hairdo, who for some reason does a complete 180 at the end and joins the good guys for… reasons.

“Is there any way out of here that doesn’t involve garbage?”

Normally there would be something to praise in most movies. A single scene, that one actor who’s really going for it, the production design. Here, everything is equally awful. There’s some terrible CGI, and all the sets and props have this cheap look to them, like this were a low-budget production (though I guess $120 million is small change in Hollywood now).

It desperately wants to be funny, in a Guardians of the Galaxy way, but none of the cast has any chemistry, and none of it is funny. The humour is that relentless sort, that never knows when to let up, leading to horrible gear crunches as it tries to be emotional or meaningful, only to ruin it with some ill-timed joke, usually toilet humour.

Claptrap the tin can robot (voiced by Jack Black, of course) is the worst for this. He’s meant to be “comic relief” but is non-stop, and ruins every scene he’s in. There’s a fine line between endearing and irritating, and Claptrap is all in on the irritating. I think Black must have made up most of his lines on the spot while in the recording booth.

Films like Godzilla X Kong have weak plots, 2D characters, and are pretty silly, but at least they are fun. This isn’t fun. It’s an endurance test to sit through. There’s always something happening on screen that’s loud and flashy, but it’s all so boring, even the fight scenes.

There’s a scene where the crew are escaping inside a bin, and Cate Blanchett’s character asks “Is there any way out of here that doesn’t involve garbage?” Believe me, I was asking myself the exact same question, and the answer is no. It’s garbage right to the very end.

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